You deserve more credit in your life!
By STEPHEN SNOW, MA
National Certified CounselorWe live in a harsh world sometimes, especially of harshness toward ourselves. Whatever the task, many of us somehow manage to fall short - or, at least, we feel we fall short.
No matter how many people tell us how great we did on this project or that paper or presentation, we don't believe it.
Where others see success, we see failure. Where others see a job well done, we see flaws. In fact, the flaws often seem to us like angry slash marks across a perfect painting.
We just know we are bankrupt. We know we "should" have done better. Instead of being buoyed by other people's comments, smiles and back slaps, we feel like frauds. If people really knew us, they wouldn't say such nice things!
What's going on here? Why do we do this to ourselves and how can we change it?
In the world of counseling, this is often called "minimizing the positive." It also is called "telescopic thinking." Why telescopic? Well, have you ever looked through the small end of a telescope? Instead of magnifying what you're looking at, that view has the opposite effect: it makes things smaller.
And many of us do this over and over again. Something good happens, and we look through the small end of the telescope and make the accomplishment smaller. At the same time, we tend to do the opposite with our shortcomings: we maximize them, or magnify the negative.
There are many different ways counselors can consider at such behavior. But in the end, on some level, in minimizing, we just do not believe we are worthy of the good things people say about us.
Because of this, we discount positive things and magnify negative things. We also sometimes do things that "unintentionally" trip us up so that instead of succeeding, we fail, proving to ourselves once again that we are not worthy. Although it is simplified a little, that's often how the cycle works.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
I am going to give you a little exercise that can help you start to break this cycle. I call it the "Give Yourself Credit Card."(TM) It isn't for everyone, but it might work for you.
Get out a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and number down the page one through five.
Next to each number, write one thing you do right. These do not have to be things you do perfectly. For example, you might write, "I work hard to be a good mother (or father)." And you might write, "I really care about other people."
Get the picture?
Take your time. No one but you ever needs to see these. It might be hard to come up with five at first. If you get rolling and have more than five, go you! Write them all down.
Next, get out one of your credit cards. Then, find a piece of heavy paper. Trace the outline of the credit card on the heavy paper and cut out the traced card.
On one side write: My Credit Card
On the other side, print the five or more things you do right. (If you have access to a laminating machine, you could encase the card in plastic but that isn't necessary.)
Put the card in your wallet or purse. During the next two weeks, every time someone says something nice to you and you feel yourself minimizing or discounting what is said, either by false modesty or even outright dismissing it, STOP yourself. Whenever you feel you have done wrong or feel like a failure, STOP.
Reach into your wallet or your purse and look at your card. GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for what you do right.
That's all there is to it. Each time you look at the card, remind yourself that you do things right. As you remind yourself again and again, you may begin to feel a small, but growing sense of personal worthiness.
You might make several different cards over time, and keep them all handy. The most important thing is that you regularly challenge your immediate unworthy or negative thought. As you do, you will start to change those thoughts and, in turn, your negative feelings about yourself.
Remember: with yourself, your credit is always good!
Stephen Snow is a counselor in Charlotte, NC. You can reach him at shsnow@commcure.com or his web site at www.commcure.com.
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